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a [l] lie
05 April 2009 @ 04:08 am
do you remember all those places we went?

checking my email telling me to shower. me running down the hall like its some kind of game. me trying to turn on the shower but there was no water. trying another one and like, running around. please just let me wash my hair. and i did. and then the water went dead. shower turning off above me. all the noise coming from the faucet. all the noise. trying to make it stop. turned the nozzles until it gave an shirk. and no more flowed from it. it was liek a game. that empty drip in the last shower stall. had I won? or just lost again for next time?

the addams family. thing.

your body is so weird. everything about it is just beautiful.

"whatever" "everythings okay"

my concept of time this weekend is soooo different.
 
 
a [l] lie
24 March 2009 @ 12:43 am
friday i'm in love

...


..


.
 
 
a [l] lie
08 March 2009 @ 04:16 am

I'm not your last chnace fuck that. don't make new feed you to the animals. hold my breath hold my hand. find me later I love your mouth. my greatest dream is waking up. the park the park the park the park I want to be in the park and hold this all down[hill]. nothing more than fallen logs and overgrown moss. long days and shorter nights. hope you last, hope you realize how much you needed me v. how much it hurt to need you. you hold this bait over yourself and I won't take it anymore. I'm never missing it again. I remember when you called me in tears and how I wanted to break and apologize but convinced myself to show you how far I could bend. maybe I was in love with you or maybe I was in love with the thought of you. either way looks like we both lost. either way we both have to constantly compete. it is what it is. that night we drove around the water, I wished it could be the way it was. the way it was the way it was.

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currently I am: Tennessee, Memphis
 
 
a [l] lie
01 March 2009 @ 02:52 am
Friday night I got super drunk at CBU and talked to a bunch of kappa sigs and played the drums and then left as the cops came. So I woke up this morning thinking I had to do a performance of Vagina Monologues at 10:15 and I texted Taylor to make sure I was supposed to wear black and red but she informed me that it is, in fact, next Saturday. And I had my tights and dress on and EVERYTHING. So I went back to bed until 12:30. Got up and went to the lair and had lunch with Melissa and Grace and whoever else showed up.

Then I came back to my room and actually got shit done. Catherine Casey came over and we worked together on favor fund stuff until basically 5:30. I applied to be a Gamma Chi for rush next year! I emailed my Philosophy Journals and emailed people about my project. Then I called Wangs and got Chinese food delivered for me and Melissa and Courtney and Grace. It is Grace's birthday on Sunday and we were originally supposed to go out to dinner but it started SNOWING at like, 2. and it KEPT snowing!!!!! So we had Wangs delivered and then we had everyone come to our room and told Grace to come by. And then we SURPRISED her!!!

She was super surprised and it was wonderful. So we ate our Wangs while everyone played Catchphrase Music Edition and ate their picnic dinners. We even played the round where you have to sing and OMG it was so much fun. We laughed and it was just great.

We started drinking at like, 8:30 and it was fun. I didn't really get drunk, but we played circle of death and more people came over and we just talked and drank and laughed. So many people just came over to say hi and happy birthday to Grace and we played more drinking games and sang and danced around the room. SO FUN. and it kept snowing!!!!

Anyway, we talked so much that we were all so so so tired so I went to walk Courtney, Grace and [rly drunk] Catherine Casey back to their dorms and the SNOW was just so tempting and BEAUTIFUL so we went and played in the quad by FJ and Palmer and watched Brent build a TAJ MAHAL out of SNOW and it was good. There was such a random assortment of people and it was so great because the snow BROUGHT US TOGETHER while we drank and smoked in the open snowy air. There have got to be like, 5 or 6 inches on the ground and it was just so so so great to frolic and exclaim and everything was so BEAUTIFUL. The trees are the most amazing things to me with their snowy limbs.

Then I walked Catherine Casey back to her room and watched her swiffer her apartment and then make oatmeal and we talked some more and smiled and confessed and it was so great. so great.

Just something about how everyone was out at 2am building snow things and being merry and friendly made me so happy. I realize how many wonderful people I have in my inner circles and how much I love them. I'm so happy I can be with them and not be distracted or inhibited even without alcohol. There are just so many simple things to be completely and wonderfully happy about. it's beautiful

listen to Tiny Vessels and Transatlanticism together. The tranisition between the two is beautiful.
 
 
listening to: death cab
 
 
a [l] lie
24 February 2009 @ 03:33 am
I have had consistently poor work ethic/habits this semester. I don't know how to fix it except just give myself a stern talking-to. The thing that's weird is that I'm not even stressing about this Chinese test that I have today, even though I probably know 30% of the characters I'm supposed to know.

I have less to say than I thought I guess. Sorry world!
 
 
listening to: JAI HO
 
 
 
a [l] lie
13 February 2009 @ 03:04 am

I opened the windows today to let the mosquitoes in so they can tear up my insides like I tear down my outsides. Berlin wallpaper, spray paint on a tile floor, the tiniest crack opens the whole dam. fresco fees, mural markets. charging farmers from their shallow denim pockets. fields on fire, atmosphere aflame, sharpened gardens with a family name. green bowls brown bowls open heart surgery. sugary lips pinch liccorice artery. open narrow, close wide, the moon effects nothing when there is not tithe. imprinted words on a manuscript page, domestic imports, reports, deports, dancing in a rafter cage. you smell like smoke and green and a rolled down window. the end is so close from this end of the telescope.

the beauty of it all pulls me apart inside. makes me want to leap from cliffs and hug the earth and leap and maybe not come down.

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currently I am: Tennessee, Memphis
 
 
a [l] lie
09 February 2009 @ 03:52 am

sometimes I imagine words that don't exist. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. shouldn't that scare me? don't want to go to life. can't ever fall asleep. I spend my days in a daze and my nights in awe. so much to feel, so much to love. regret is not a word in my vocabulary any more.

my roommate asked me if I ever think about that one guy. my quick rational answer surprised me. I'm beginning to think that "pragmatism" defines a whole lot of my feelings about life&love&god. I can't think of anything else one would worry about.

I'm going to create another journal of my higher things in life. be on the lookout for smoky words of wisdom.

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a [l] lie
22 January 2009 @ 12:37 am
and it's not okay. I don't know what my problem is, but I really just don't feel like today is a good day for me to celebrate anything. celebrate what? another year not dead. Maybe it's just because I'm feeling really ugly and not special in the last 24 hours, but I really wish everyone would forget I existed. If I did what was best for me in the long term, I'd leave Rhodes and live at home for a little while because clearly I can't be trusted with myself. I should leave, it'd be right for me, but I've never done what is right for myself. I'm just really perturbed by how horribly I treat myself and how ridiculously approval-hungry I am all the time. It's kind of clear that there's something wrong with me because I cover up everything that bothers me and obsess over everything that I love. I wish I could look at myself and see potential instead of failure. I wish I could get dressed in the morning and think positively about myself instead of about the day ahead of me. Instead of actually doing what's best and slowing the pace down, taking my time with life and such, I'm taking way too many classes and doing way too many things. But I can't drop any of them at this point. I'm in too deep to let anything go except what I should hold as most important: myself. I love my friends and I love my sorority and I love my poetry, but I don't love myself, not like I feel like I should. And it's so hard because I want to live everything to the fullest, but some days I simply can't bring myself to do anything except long for my bed. But even then I don't sleep--I never do the right thing at the right time. I don't know what has kept me from growing up, but it seems like I vaulted my mind to this view and dragged my maturity along by the toes. I'm at the bottom, I'm the worst I've ever been in so many ways. But I can't help but remember last semester when I was just busy enough to ignore so much. It feels like so much has just avalanched on to me in the last few weeks and I am sort of kicking myself for not seeing some of it coming. pleasejustforgetaboutme

The Obligation to be Happy by Linda Pastan

It is more onerous
than the rites of beauty
or housework, harder than love.
But you expect it of me casually,
the way you expect the sun
to come up, not in spite of rain
or clouds but because of them.

And so I smile, as if my own fidelity
to sadness were a hidden vice—
that downward tug on my mouth,
my old suspicion that health
and love are brief irrelevancies,
no more than laughter in the warm dark
strangled at dawn.

Happiness. I try to hoist it
on my narrow shoulders again—
a knapsack heavy with gold coins.
I stumble around the house,
bump into things.
Only Midas himself
would understand.
 
 
listening to: heymoon
 
 
a [l] lie
16 January 2009 @ 03:04 am

I am in over my head. I kind of just want to schedule a semester next year where all I do is devote myself to smoking weed, writing poetry and being the best fall out boy fan ever. ah, the dream life

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currently I am: Tennessee, Memphis
 
 
a [l] lie
14 January 2009 @ 12:46 am
i love the way the earth looks back at me,
as i gaze into it with wonder and open my eyes wide
and it drops it atmosphere arms on me and holds tight,
and the way it slowly turns to face me, see me head on
i love the way it starts within me and blooms,
its petals stroking away at my insides, coaxing it from my pores,
seeping through my skin like a lovely wound
they say you won't always love this,
love the way you can gaze at the moon and any day
you can see a new face, a new side of it,
do you think you'll forget this devotion?
do you think you'll forget this adoration?
the awe at which nature can hold you,
the hook it can lure you in with, captivate you wholly,
the way you are the moon in that you both love the earth,
looking at it always and taking it for what it is to you,
that lovely gravitational pull it holds you in like it has chosen you
to follow it and be with it. maybe the universe only exists to things that this gravity pulls in,
maybe space it what we only think we'll see out there, out of this slow wide orbit,
catch some more sun, move along
through your stars to the ceiling,
get their shiny points stuck in the styrofoam,
let them shine on us forever.
 
 
listening to: heymoon